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Something Amazing. by ~NakedPoesy:iconNakedPoesy:



I satisfied a particular part of myself today
Doing something I rarely do and it was absolutely
Something to write home about.
On doing so, the envelope should boomerang back
Chuckling ‘return to sender’ in bold red letters.
I’ll just save the thirty seven now.
I have better cents than that.  It’d be a waste of time.
It’s that same part of me deriving accomplishment
From finishing a cigarette or mashing a zit right off the edifice of my forehead.
I suppose that’s not too ladylike then, I can justify it though,
For today something amazing was going on, and I rushed
To the scene of the awesome when I found out.
But it was too late, they were too gone, and all that hung
In the air was the essence of something amazing.
(I knew it, too, for  there were grains of trash dappling the ground
And a flyer with pictures with words with the message
Of something amazing.)
Snap one off the light post and fold it neatly, to be contained
In the confines of denim.  Hell, grab the lightpost, too. Put it in
My pocket.  With the cigarettes. And there was a tale I began to tell
You.  I stood there surrounded by flyers and empty cups
Litter tumbleweeds, blowing about the asphalt.
The sun shone, and the moon hung around, waiting his turn.
The wind was  there, but slightly, and I sat amidst it all.
This parking lot is empty, I’ll say aloud,
As I swallow my gum to send plumes of smoke rushing in, after it,
Then out to follow the clouds like a desperate cumulous groupie.
And tomorrow when I unfold the flyer from this pocket
I’ll reminisce.  Oh how amazing it was,
After something amazing happened.
Oh that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
©2004-2009 ~NakedPoesy
:iconnakedpoesy:

Author's Comments

me oh my! what a time i had writing this one.
i wrote it in ten minutesorso, thus the form may be off.
but the story's a good one.

Comments


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:iconthatguyonthestreet:
"Promise to tell all truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you god?"
"Nope."
"Nice."

--
I'm so goth, I have a fishnet umbrella.

Still will put pink wig in front of wang and take photo for sex.
:iconnakedpoesy:
dare i ask why you comment with that?

--
Anticipate. Participate. Don't jump the gun.
:iconcompleteaccident:
Beautiful. Picture perfect and beautiful. There's some annoying double spaces you might want to look into, though.
:iconthatguyonthestreet:
If you want to know.

--
I'm so goth, I have a fishnet umbrella.

Still will put pink wig in front of wang and take photo for sex.
:iconnakedpoesy:
i do. pray tell.

--
Anticipate. Participate. Don't jump the gun.
:iconthatguyonthestreet:
Last line:
Oh that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Not telling us anything specific as well.

--
I'm so goth, I have a fishnet umbrella.

Still will put pink wig in front of wang and take photo for sex.
:iconnakedpoesy:
the point exactly.

--
Anticipate. Participate. Don't jump the gun.
:icondeadcow7:
There's some really great stuff in this poem. First of all, I think you take advantage of the free verse form in a great way -- I wouldn't put those 3 verses in the middle in parathesis though. Secondly, what I really liked is the way the cigarette is used to draw that strange, moody atmosphere of "having missed the party".
One phrase which kind of distracted me though: "I suppose that’s not too ladylike then". I don't really think you need this at all. ("let your poem speak for itself" ;)). Or at least leave out the "then" -- I don't understand why it's needed. So I guess if I had to give you one tip it would be to look over the piece -- you mentioned that you wrote it within 10 minutes -- and maybe try to make it even a bit more concise. This would add to its powerfulness, in my opinion. In my opinion, it is also very often good practice to write a piece in 10 minutes but then to let it sit there and think about it from time to time, reflecting on what changes could be made, playing around with it, and then one day writing one powerful, final version of it. This does require a lot of self-control though, of course :)
So good job,

DeadCow
:iconnakedpoesy:
i wondered if anyone else had qualms with that line.
it seems to do more harm than good.
thanks, i needed to hear that.

--
Anticipate. Participate. Don't jump the gun.

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December 28, 2004
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